My recent travels gave me ample time to think about everything. A significant portion of this time was spent on thinking about my complete lack of belief in God. Almost four years ago, I had classified myself as an agnostic. Atheism was way too definite for me, since it negates the existence of God completely, while agnosticism leaves room for doubt. Then too, I had thought about it for long. I had noticed a steady decline in the strength of my prayers. I folded hands, I recited my slokas but there was no conviction in them. I just did it because it had to be done. I decided it was no good, so I stopped praying completely. Every few months or so, I was forced to take part in some pooja, and I would mechanically recite my slokas and get it done with. I was (and still am) scared of admitting my agnosticism openly to my family, since all are devout believers of God and anything close to lack of belief would be sacrilege. More on this later, though.
When I first decided I was an agnostic, I had delved into the reasons behind it. Was it simply rebellious thoughts stemming from adolescence? Wasn't every teenager a rebel? I was 17 then, so I guessed that the phase would pass and soon, my prayers would have belief and conviction in them. That didn't happen. Slowly, I started to realize this wasn't that easy to explain. I had started reading Sigmund Freud's works then and his emphasis on unconscious thoughts had influenced me greatly. There WAS a reason to it, and it wasn't out in the open. It had to be extracted. I concluded that my prayers had started becoming robotic ever since I was 13 or 14. I will not give any details here, but that was the time when a close family member started having health problems, which steadily worsened. This family member is and has always been a very devout believer of God. It didn't make sense to me. If there was God, why was there suffering? If he punished his worshipers, why worship him at all? If suffering was inevitable, then isn't it better to endure it, than seeking the support of a non existent being whose believers made tall claims, yet he usually fails to show up when needed? I became angry then and I decided. I will not pray. If Karma is true and that family member was suffering due to wrongs done in the past life, then so be it. God has no role to play here. It is like a bank balance, where the credits and debits are calculated and the amount carried forward to the next quarter. No need to go the bank manager and ask him for help, is there?
From there on, I embarked upon the path of agnosticism. Each passing day, my belief weakened. I did not deny the existence of God. Nor will I ever. I just did not and do not find any need to worship and pray him. Why pray, when it does not ease any suffering? Why adulate him, when what you have achieved is due to your own efforts (or those of others)? You do not like your boss taking credit for your work, but you are ready to give credit to God for it. Go ahead. I won't do it.
Coming to the point I made earlier, I actually am not very open about my agnosticism. My family is completely God believing. Whenever possible, I avoid prayers, poojas, etc. But when I cannot avoid it, I go ahead and do it. My thoughts are somewhere else when I close my eyes and fold my hands. Call me a coward for not being open about my feelings. I myself get that feeling sometimes. Maybe one day, I'll tell everyone what I really think about praying to God. Or maybe not. The current situation is that I am happy with my beliefs and so is my family. Let us see what the future brings. They say that there are no atheists on a sinking ship. I cannot comment on that, since life has thrown difficult situations at me and I have managed to handle them without seeking the the help of God. Maybe I can handle a sinking ship too!
{Note: I will not tolerate any comments that preach belief in God to me. I absolutely hate such things. Kindly desist)
